News from the Velvet Underground

It's been a while since I've posted, and I'm not sure who all reads this, but my apologies for no update, especially after the last post was so melancholy.

Life has actually been really good for me lately. I hadn't meditated or even tried to in years, but about a week ago a friend of mine lent me a meditation cd to listen to and it has totally changed my life--no foolin'. Basically, it is meant to be a sort of sound therapy targeted to help increase communication between both hemispheres of the brain, which helps one deal better with emotions and stressful situations. The instrumentation is incredibly minimalistic. It is just rain, Tibetan singing bowls, and chimes, but I swear there is something about it that just helps you get rid of any fears you have going on in your life. It is supposed to be part of a 4-week program, so I have kept up with it, and amazingly enough, I haven't felt the compulsion to drink or smoke since listening to it. I am totally cool with both of these things in moderation, but I know at least for myself that I had been doing it too much to have any sort of focus in my life before listening to the cd.

In other news, my search for love....has still been unsuccessful as far as relationships go, but I have made so many friends in the past week and met so many new people at different events! (parties, a drum circle, a discussion group, through other friends). I really have a sense of fulfillment and contentment with where I am in life. I think about being in a relationship now, and it's almost like I don't want to because I don't want to stop growing and I am afraid of being with someone who doesn't want to grow with me. I am decidedly very picky, but with good cause--I'm just that awesome. So until I find that person, I am totally cool with rocking it by myself.

Also, lately one of my tasks has been to reconcile whatever disputes I have with people. Maybe they are people that I lost touch with because they are petty and shallow, or maybe I am the petty and shallow one--but either way, I think it's time I just stopped wasting so much energy on the few people I don't like. Isn't it silly how that can totally possess our thoughts sometimes--just one person who has wronged us? I always thought forgiveness was silly, but lately it seems priceless because it has helped me let go. I apologized to one person I had wronged, and he immediately said he felt like a weight had been lifted. I would have to agree. I have also realized that forgiving someone doesn't mean you are blind to who they are if they are an asshole, or what have you, it just means that you love them anyway, whether that means being their friend or loving them from afar. Anyway, what do I know? I am only 20! I'm sure I have a long way to go, but it feels good to at least be going somewhere.

Somebody to Love

I think Dane Cook's "Cry" sketch adequately describes the past three days for me. He talks about how sometimes everyone gets to a certain point where, whatever's going on in your life, you just need a good cry. It's just something we all need, and we're so funny about crying, like it's a huge deal. I hate people seeing me cry. Well, I mean, it's really messy and makes you vulnerable because you temporarily don't have a handle on things for that period of time while you're crying, and I like to be in control of a situation.

I got about as far as my friend's parking lot, and, I honestly couldn't tell you what it was... I think it was just a culmination of things that had gone unresolved over the past few months just started wearing down on me in a way that I couldn't fight back anymore, and I just knew that if I went into my friend's apartment, I was going to start bawling. So I called and told my friend to come down to the car, and that's when I just broke down. I think what I needed (and what everyone needs at a certain point) was just to have someone hold me, and tell me that I'm beautiful (in a genuine sense), and that everything is going to be okay.

And I think the most incredible part of a friendship is being able to truly and honestly love someone. I think in a relationship that it gets a little distorted, but with a friendship, if they're a true friend, you always know that they'll be there whether or not you look attractive that day or fulfill their sexual needs. They'll just be there for you as a person, and as you truly are. I am really glad that, at least if I can't figure everything else out right now, I have that.

Alright, alright, alright,

SO, in Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance, there's a map you use to plan your journey, and then there's the journey itself. But the journey usually turns out to be different, and it represents life itself.

I had planned to do a lot when I got back home from Missouri. And I haven't, really. I have just been out partying a lot and meeting people. I guess on the road map you would call this a detour. It's not an unwanted detour by any means, and I do find it fulfilling, it's just that I know it's a detour and eventually I need to get back onto the road of life and start doing again.

I think the scariest part is that I'm trying so hard to be independent, but I'm not sure what that means, and I'm not sure what exactly will signify my independence. I just see other people that have it so much worse than me, never have any money, and no loving family to support them. I feel guilty for living with my parents and taking money from them, so I want to find a way where I can have a career where I can pay for my own things and help them out, too.

I guess it is more about responsibility than independence, because really, we all need each other at some point, and I really feel like it's my turn to start serving others. I really enjoy working with kids and I think that might be something worthwhile to make a career out of. Also, I am thinking about becoming a youth sponsor for my old youth group once I turn 21. I have mainly just been thinking about things I can do in my daily life that will help someone other than me (like recycling). Even something minor still has its purpose, and I have been looking for little things I can do to make someone else's day better, or my own day better by having a more positive outlook. I know it sounds cheazy, but it really works and I have been a lot happier lately because of it. It makes it a lot easier to see how everything has a balance, and sad moments are just passing and don't define who I am.

Ugh! What a wonderful life. I just need to get off my ass and do something about it.

We Give, and We Take Away

So I have been trying to figure out this crazy old life of mine. And here are a few things I have come up with:

First of all, taking things personally...not worth it. People do some really stupid, inconsiderate things sometimes. And maybe one of the most inconsiderate things I've noticed is when we go through life without thinking about why we feel and act the way we do. Why we would be with one person when we're in love with someone else, why we would have a career in one field when we really love doing something else, or why we would dress one way when we really feel like wearing something else. And furthermore, to quote Harold and Maude, "consistency is not a human trait," so if I constantly expect people to do things that rationally make sense, I will always be disappointed and frustrated. Anyway, my point is, I know I can't control whether or not people take control of their own lives, so it's not worth internalizing, especially when there are so many other amazing things in the world I could be focusing on!

Second. This whole sex thing. It amazes me how much drama we will put up with sometimes just for that one pleasure. Is it really worth it? Not in the long run. Not in the long run.

And lastly, what we practice is what we become. My former philosophy teacher taught me that, and it's very true. Now about the practicing part...it's so easy to say, "I can't do this. It's just not who I am." But when I get to thinking that way, I stop and realize...who I am is what I've been doing, and it's ingrained in me what I know see as who I am. So really, I can change at any time, as long as I consistently keep making those choices. No one changes overnight (and when they do...don't they seem a little crazy?).

Well, that is all I got for now! There are still many other things I'm trying to understand, but for now, I am happy with life just as it is, and I have faith that I will find my answers soon enough.

I am also thinking Puerto Rico now for winter break. Hello, beaches and friendly people!
http://welcome.topuertorico.org/index.shtml

Playlist
Meg Baird- Do What You Gotta Do
Piano Song- The Format
The Broken Family Band- Give and Take
The Rolling Stones- Angie
The Smiths- There is a light and it never goes out
The Counting Crows- Colorblind
Bob Dylan- Just Like a Woman
The Broken Family Band- You Get Me