Thoughts on Death

I had my sobering experience for today. Our family dog who had been fighting cancer for the last few months finally passed away.

It's kind of a lesson in humility for me, because here I was, trotting along with my day-to-day life, with my everyday concerns, and then something comes to remind me, "Hey, you're not the only person on this planet."

You know that death has always been wondered about ever since we have existed, so you would think we would have come to terms with it by now, but I think it's something our society definitely has a fear of. Especially sudden deaths, dying young, or dying under "unfair" circumstances. Today, the principal at the school where I help with an after-school program had to brief me and my coworkers about a child who had passed away at a pool party. I can't even imagine losing a child, or having a life as short as six years. And to think that I have had fourteen more years than that child of life experiences...well that is just unfathomable. I feel like I haven't even appreciated it like I should. I feel like I should be squeezing every ounce out of life more than I do, but then I think about what I would want to be doing on the day that I die. Really, I hope it is just like every other day--being with my family and friends, and enjoying life.

And what would happen if I died suddenly? I used to think that I would be upset if I knew that people just went on with their daily lives like nothing happened when I die, but I think now that I would actually prefer that. I don't want to be the center of someone's universe; I want them to find their own center. And I would hope that my funeral would bring people together. After that, I don't care about what happens to my body or my possessions because that wasn't who I am, if you know what I mean. People talk about having their ashes scattered...you know, I would probably prefer that if it would take up less space, but I don't want people to hold on to pieces of me that no longer exist. Wow, that's so funny to think about--not existing. Can you imagine someone you love just not existing anymore? Just not being animated and real and alive? I can't.

Which makes me wonder, how do we get over that fear? My grandmother told me once that she and her friends decided that they didn't want to be afraid of death anymore, so they were going to create a "heaven on earth," and they formed their own spiritual discussion group. I just want to be in that frame of mind, but I don't understand how anyone can calmly accept death when there is so much to go out and live, soak up, and experience. I feel like there will never be enough time to do it all! Don't take me yet, I'm still learning!!

And is death the end? I personally want to believe the answer is no because I feel and see so much that can't be explained. Even if it isn't "rational" to believe in life after death, it is apparent to me that there is definitely a human need for it in our minds and our hearts. If that sounds cheazy to you, just think about it--what essence truly makes a man? Does it go beyond his or her body? Well, yes, unless you are really that shallow. And if it goes beyond the body, then does it go beyond personality that defines a person? Well, even though we definitely remember the way people act and what they say when we think of that person, we also remember the way that person made us feel, and that is on a different level than what someone says to us (their jokes, their advice, their conversations with us). It seems to me that, when I am not too distracted, and I think about someone I really love and care for, I have no words for it. It is just a summary of the experiences I have had with them and an impression I associate with them, and them alone. Their "essence." It seems to me like if there is life after death, something must happen to that essence after the body and mind are gone. I have to wonder where it goes, and if I will ever see it again. Who knows! I sure don't have all the answers.

"While I thought that I was learning how to live, I have been learning how to die."- Leonardo Da Vinci