Thoughts on Death

I had my sobering experience for today. Our family dog who had been fighting cancer for the last few months finally passed away.

It's kind of a lesson in humility for me, because here I was, trotting along with my day-to-day life, with my everyday concerns, and then something comes to remind me, "Hey, you're not the only person on this planet."

You know that death has always been wondered about ever since we have existed, so you would think we would have come to terms with it by now, but I think it's something our society definitely has a fear of. Especially sudden deaths, dying young, or dying under "unfair" circumstances. Today, the principal at the school where I help with an after-school program had to brief me and my coworkers about a child who had passed away at a pool party. I can't even imagine losing a child, or having a life as short as six years. And to think that I have had fourteen more years than that child of life experiences...well that is just unfathomable. I feel like I haven't even appreciated it like I should. I feel like I should be squeezing every ounce out of life more than I do, but then I think about what I would want to be doing on the day that I die. Really, I hope it is just like every other day--being with my family and friends, and enjoying life.

And what would happen if I died suddenly? I used to think that I would be upset if I knew that people just went on with their daily lives like nothing happened when I die, but I think now that I would actually prefer that. I don't want to be the center of someone's universe; I want them to find their own center. And I would hope that my funeral would bring people together. After that, I don't care about what happens to my body or my possessions because that wasn't who I am, if you know what I mean. People talk about having their ashes scattered...you know, I would probably prefer that if it would take up less space, but I don't want people to hold on to pieces of me that no longer exist. Wow, that's so funny to think about--not existing. Can you imagine someone you love just not existing anymore? Just not being animated and real and alive? I can't.

Which makes me wonder, how do we get over that fear? My grandmother told me once that she and her friends decided that they didn't want to be afraid of death anymore, so they were going to create a "heaven on earth," and they formed their own spiritual discussion group. I just want to be in that frame of mind, but I don't understand how anyone can calmly accept death when there is so much to go out and live, soak up, and experience. I feel like there will never be enough time to do it all! Don't take me yet, I'm still learning!!

And is death the end? I personally want to believe the answer is no because I feel and see so much that can't be explained. Even if it isn't "rational" to believe in life after death, it is apparent to me that there is definitely a human need for it in our minds and our hearts. If that sounds cheazy to you, just think about it--what essence truly makes a man? Does it go beyond his or her body? Well, yes, unless you are really that shallow. And if it goes beyond the body, then does it go beyond personality that defines a person? Well, even though we definitely remember the way people act and what they say when we think of that person, we also remember the way that person made us feel, and that is on a different level than what someone says to us (their jokes, their advice, their conversations with us). It seems to me that, when I am not too distracted, and I think about someone I really love and care for, I have no words for it. It is just a summary of the experiences I have had with them and an impression I associate with them, and them alone. Their "essence." It seems to me like if there is life after death, something must happen to that essence after the body and mind are gone. I have to wonder where it goes, and if I will ever see it again. Who knows! I sure don't have all the answers.

"While I thought that I was learning how to live, I have been learning how to die."- Leonardo Da Vinci

Ode to Life

Oh, Life...I love, you, I really do.

Just when I think I have no direction, and that I am not doing enough in this world, you remind me of the little things that are not so little...how important it is to be kind to others because it might change his or her life for the better.

Just when I think I have you all figured out, you take me by surprise and teach me a lesson or two.

Thank you for grounding me when my ego gets way out of control, and for reminding me of the qualities I may forget that make me essentially who I am when I start to doubt myself.

And thank you for my friends, my beautiful, kind, loving, supportive friends. No matter how many wonderful people I have in my life, you always see to it that I rekindle my old friends, and that I am always making new ones. Even when I fail to see it, you always bring people into my life who will change it for the better. I am so glad that when I forget who I am there are always people there to remind me and love me. I forgot that it was possible! I get so cynical sometimes.

I only hope that I can eventually live up to this wonderful person that so many people take me to be. Well, I know I am awesome, but there is room for improvement. If people are looking up to me I better know what I'm doing!

I know I am not perfect, and I know something tragic could happen to me at any second that might make me temporarily forget how amazing you are, Life, but since I am in the moment and right now I am feeling it, I thought I would recognize just how amazing you are. You rock, Life. I am glad to just be here for the experience. What crazy things will Life come up with next??!

Follow the Leader

I love my family. I actually think most people relate to the need to have one, whether it be by blood or by spirituality. I am lucky to have both with my extended family (grandparents, aunts, and uncles), however, my parents are slowly opening up and my brother, well he is seventeen and frustrated with life. He will come around, though.

I left for college for two years and came back. And I had this strange realization. Sometimes I am the leader of my family. I hope that doesn't sound conceited because I don't say this like it's always a good thing. It's actually quite shocking. My family looks up to me and base their actions on some of the things they've seen me do. For example, I have always loved community theatre and in college I started singing. Well, now my parents are doing it, too. My mom is also really into Unity now, which I never thought she would be. My brother actually listened to all the cd's I burned for him and bases his own taste for music off that collection. And now that I am back in town, whenever something bad happens, my dad always calls me first. Not my mom. Wierd, huh? I am the one who plans and networks between our family and our relatives, and I am the assertive-take-charge person in my family, which means that when my parents are too afraid to speak up, I usually do it for them. I hope this doesn't sound over-controlling. Someone's got to do it.

I've learned a lot from this realization. Firstly, if someone's looking up to me, I damn well better straighten up and fly right. When I first got into town, all I could think about was partying and celebrating being single after two years (I am so egotistical sometimes...). But now, I am really feeling this genuine desire to settle down and do what truly makes me happy, and fuck worrying about relationships. Sometimes, though, I just want to hang a sign around my neck that says, "You can come with me if you want to, but please don't distract me!"

Secondly, maybe families don't have one leader. I always thought it was the parents. Maybe it's not. Maybe it rotates, and undoubtedly we all have something to learn from each other, even if it just means learning from each other's mistakes. I know after growing up with my family that I will never cheat on my partner, and that's something most people learn too late.

And no family is perfect. That is the damn truth. And I am okay with that. I didn't used to be. It used to make me very angry, but the truth of the matter is that where there are people, there is the human experience. There is happiness, sadness, drama, fighting, loving, and everything in-between. Families are such a good practice for the outside world because I think if I can love my family and get along with them, I can create my own someday. How exciting! Spiritual families, a family with children, network families...there are endless possibilities!

"The family. We were a strange little band of characters trudging through life sharing diseases and toothpaste, coveting one another's desserts, hiding shampoo, borrowing money, locking each other out of our rooms, inflicting pain and kissing to heal it in the same instant, loving, laughing, defending, and trying to figure out the common thread that bound us all together."- Erma Bombeck

"I love you!"
"I love you too, but I'm going to mace you in the face!"
-The Darjeeling Limited

News from the Velvet Underground

It's been a while since I've posted, and I'm not sure who all reads this, but my apologies for no update, especially after the last post was so melancholy.

Life has actually been really good for me lately. I hadn't meditated or even tried to in years, but about a week ago a friend of mine lent me a meditation cd to listen to and it has totally changed my life--no foolin'. Basically, it is meant to be a sort of sound therapy targeted to help increase communication between both hemispheres of the brain, which helps one deal better with emotions and stressful situations. The instrumentation is incredibly minimalistic. It is just rain, Tibetan singing bowls, and chimes, but I swear there is something about it that just helps you get rid of any fears you have going on in your life. It is supposed to be part of a 4-week program, so I have kept up with it, and amazingly enough, I haven't felt the compulsion to drink or smoke since listening to it. I am totally cool with both of these things in moderation, but I know at least for myself that I had been doing it too much to have any sort of focus in my life before listening to the cd.

In other news, my search for love....has still been unsuccessful as far as relationships go, but I have made so many friends in the past week and met so many new people at different events! (parties, a drum circle, a discussion group, through other friends). I really have a sense of fulfillment and contentment with where I am in life. I think about being in a relationship now, and it's almost like I don't want to because I don't want to stop growing and I am afraid of being with someone who doesn't want to grow with me. I am decidedly very picky, but with good cause--I'm just that awesome. So until I find that person, I am totally cool with rocking it by myself.

Also, lately one of my tasks has been to reconcile whatever disputes I have with people. Maybe they are people that I lost touch with because they are petty and shallow, or maybe I am the petty and shallow one--but either way, I think it's time I just stopped wasting so much energy on the few people I don't like. Isn't it silly how that can totally possess our thoughts sometimes--just one person who has wronged us? I always thought forgiveness was silly, but lately it seems priceless because it has helped me let go. I apologized to one person I had wronged, and he immediately said he felt like a weight had been lifted. I would have to agree. I have also realized that forgiving someone doesn't mean you are blind to who they are if they are an asshole, or what have you, it just means that you love them anyway, whether that means being their friend or loving them from afar. Anyway, what do I know? I am only 20! I'm sure I have a long way to go, but it feels good to at least be going somewhere.

Somebody to Love

I think Dane Cook's "Cry" sketch adequately describes the past three days for me. He talks about how sometimes everyone gets to a certain point where, whatever's going on in your life, you just need a good cry. It's just something we all need, and we're so funny about crying, like it's a huge deal. I hate people seeing me cry. Well, I mean, it's really messy and makes you vulnerable because you temporarily don't have a handle on things for that period of time while you're crying, and I like to be in control of a situation.

I got about as far as my friend's parking lot, and, I honestly couldn't tell you what it was... I think it was just a culmination of things that had gone unresolved over the past few months just started wearing down on me in a way that I couldn't fight back anymore, and I just knew that if I went into my friend's apartment, I was going to start bawling. So I called and told my friend to come down to the car, and that's when I just broke down. I think what I needed (and what everyone needs at a certain point) was just to have someone hold me, and tell me that I'm beautiful (in a genuine sense), and that everything is going to be okay.

And I think the most incredible part of a friendship is being able to truly and honestly love someone. I think in a relationship that it gets a little distorted, but with a friendship, if they're a true friend, you always know that they'll be there whether or not you look attractive that day or fulfill their sexual needs. They'll just be there for you as a person, and as you truly are. I am really glad that, at least if I can't figure everything else out right now, I have that.

Alright, alright, alright,

SO, in Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance, there's a map you use to plan your journey, and then there's the journey itself. But the journey usually turns out to be different, and it represents life itself.

I had planned to do a lot when I got back home from Missouri. And I haven't, really. I have just been out partying a lot and meeting people. I guess on the road map you would call this a detour. It's not an unwanted detour by any means, and I do find it fulfilling, it's just that I know it's a detour and eventually I need to get back onto the road of life and start doing again.

I think the scariest part is that I'm trying so hard to be independent, but I'm not sure what that means, and I'm not sure what exactly will signify my independence. I just see other people that have it so much worse than me, never have any money, and no loving family to support them. I feel guilty for living with my parents and taking money from them, so I want to find a way where I can have a career where I can pay for my own things and help them out, too.

I guess it is more about responsibility than independence, because really, we all need each other at some point, and I really feel like it's my turn to start serving others. I really enjoy working with kids and I think that might be something worthwhile to make a career out of. Also, I am thinking about becoming a youth sponsor for my old youth group once I turn 21. I have mainly just been thinking about things I can do in my daily life that will help someone other than me (like recycling). Even something minor still has its purpose, and I have been looking for little things I can do to make someone else's day better, or my own day better by having a more positive outlook. I know it sounds cheazy, but it really works and I have been a lot happier lately because of it. It makes it a lot easier to see how everything has a balance, and sad moments are just passing and don't define who I am.

Ugh! What a wonderful life. I just need to get off my ass and do something about it.

We Give, and We Take Away

So I have been trying to figure out this crazy old life of mine. And here are a few things I have come up with:

First of all, taking things personally...not worth it. People do some really stupid, inconsiderate things sometimes. And maybe one of the most inconsiderate things I've noticed is when we go through life without thinking about why we feel and act the way we do. Why we would be with one person when we're in love with someone else, why we would have a career in one field when we really love doing something else, or why we would dress one way when we really feel like wearing something else. And furthermore, to quote Harold and Maude, "consistency is not a human trait," so if I constantly expect people to do things that rationally make sense, I will always be disappointed and frustrated. Anyway, my point is, I know I can't control whether or not people take control of their own lives, so it's not worth internalizing, especially when there are so many other amazing things in the world I could be focusing on!

Second. This whole sex thing. It amazes me how much drama we will put up with sometimes just for that one pleasure. Is it really worth it? Not in the long run. Not in the long run.

And lastly, what we practice is what we become. My former philosophy teacher taught me that, and it's very true. Now about the practicing part...it's so easy to say, "I can't do this. It's just not who I am." But when I get to thinking that way, I stop and realize...who I am is what I've been doing, and it's ingrained in me what I know see as who I am. So really, I can change at any time, as long as I consistently keep making those choices. No one changes overnight (and when they do...don't they seem a little crazy?).

Well, that is all I got for now! There are still many other things I'm trying to understand, but for now, I am happy with life just as it is, and I have faith that I will find my answers soon enough.

I am also thinking Puerto Rico now for winter break. Hello, beaches and friendly people!
http://welcome.topuertorico.org/index.shtml

Playlist
Meg Baird- Do What You Gotta Do
Piano Song- The Format
The Broken Family Band- Give and Take
The Rolling Stones- Angie
The Smiths- There is a light and it never goes out
The Counting Crows- Colorblind
Bob Dylan- Just Like a Woman
The Broken Family Band- You Get Me